Refocus ~ Restart ~ New Beginnings

This blog has been ignored for a fair amount of time. It honestly was a missed opportunity for me. Our family recently grew by one and I think that I could have shared some really entertaining and (perhaps) a couple of heartfelt moments of being older and wiser while growing a little one. Past is past though and there’s no point in looking back.

So, this is my monkey. He’ll be four weeks old tomorrow. He’s also the last kid, because there was no way I was doing all this again. I don’t like the idea that being a parent is a job, but it really is a lot of work. Three is enough. Maybe more than enough. Check back with me in two years and see how I’m feeling.

Honestly, it was a rough go. There was a lot of everything that can go wrong will go wrong moments. Everything from needing to get a C-section due to placenta previa to nearly bleeding to death (or into a vegetative state) post surgery due to my femoral artery bleeding . (Placenta previa for those that are curious is when your placenta is over the bottom of the uterus instead of the top. You know, right where the baby is supposed to come out.) The truth of the matter is I didn’t realize how scary and close an experience it was at the time. It’s taken a little time for it sink in how bad it really was.

I bring this up mostly because it’s forced me to look at my life and figure out what I’m doing. More specifically, it’s forced me to look at what I’m not doing. I’m not making enough of my moments and that’s a fact. I’m not providing the example to my kids that pursuing the things that make you happy is as important as it is. If there is any one single thing I want my kids to know, it’s that personal fulfillment is the most important thing in the world. Yet I sit here and I settle. I settle for a job that just pays the bills (and barely at that). I settle for not having the time to write by not making the time to write. I settle for not going to back to school, because I let myself get derailed by things that are easily fixed. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the rut than it is to pull yourself out of it. I know this, but it’s just not acceptable anymore. I’m tired of just existing and not living.

The fact of the matter is that where I am is where it could have ended. (Yes, with the wonders of modern medicine, the chance was slim, but it was there.) It makes me step back and wonder if I looked back on my life where it is now, would I be satisfied with my choices? The answer: Eh, sort of. I have the family thing figured out. I don’t have me thing figured out though. I need to find that. Part of that is sharing this experience that is motherhood in all it’s glory and pit falls.

Yes, there are approximately 12,784 parenting blogs on the internet. Perhaps mine won’t be that interesting or different than the rest of those. I’m throwing my hat into that ring though, because I have my own unique voice and there’s no reason that I shouldn’t share it. Writing is my passion. My kids are my love. Between the two, maybe something will spark and be amazing.

You never know if you don’t try.